Following the Super Bowl’s surprising end, surely there were thousands, tens of thousands, of fans who felt an aggressive reaction to what had just transpired.

That was my original thought when I read this headline on CNN.com this morning: “Feds: Man at Super Bowl had rifle, ammunition.” It must have been a Patriots fan who, compelled by a few too many stadium brews and an unruly group of fans around him, got out of control and went to his car for a stashed rifle, I guessed.

But I was in no way ready for what I found upon reading the article:

“A would-be bar owner angry at being denied a liquor license threatened to shoot people at the Super Bowl and drove to within sight of the stadium with a rifle and 200 rounds of ammunition before changing his mind, federal authorities said.

Kurt William Havelock, who ultimately turned himself in, had vowed to “shed the blood of the innocent” in a manifesto mailed Sunday to media outlets, according to court documents. “No one destroys my dream,” he wrote.”

The man wrote a manifesto (eight pages?) promising to kill innocent people as a revolt against the Tempe government—over having his application for a liquor license denied? More than that, the license was to be used for a “Halloween-themed bar” named either “The Haunted Castle” or “Drunkenstein’s?” The simultaneous hilarity/horror of the whole situation baffles me.

Thankfully, Havelock never went through with his plan—imagine having to live with the knowledge that your loved one was killed over a man’s inability to cope with his denial of opening a bar named “Drunkenstein’s.”

To Henry: I’ve got Re-Up Gang Vol. 3 on in the background. This is for you.

Men are measured by many things. I choose to measure myself this morning by my ability to be gracious, humble, and completely and unabashedly honest.

To the Giants and their fans, congratulations.

To the Patriots, fuck you.

I’ve had that inside me for weeks now, just churning in my loins (Will Ferrell can’t just be Ron Burgundy with a basketball uniform on, that’s not original). Like all things kept inside, it grew with each passing suppressive day of silence.

Well, the rationale for silence came crashing down around me last night, so silence, be gone! Get out of here silence (sorry, I just watched There Will Be Blood the other night—you’ll get that if you’ve seen it)!

Here is what I have to say:

Bill Belichick, you are, as Henry and others have pointed out, an immature and ungracious man. Genius though you may at times be, grow the hell up. Yeah, you don’t like losing, and you don’t like having to deal with the media. I get it.

Perhaps you should get this: you have a dream job. You earned it, no doubt, tracking stats as an underpaid assistant’s assistant way back in the day, then working your way up to your current level, but earning your place makes you no different than any other NFL coach. And like any other coach (and professional athlete for that matter), dealing with the press is part of the job. So do it with some damn grace.

Answer the press’s questions with more than “we’re disappointed” when asked how you address your team in the locker room after such a tragic loss. Because disappointment is when your kid gets his first detention. Disappointment does not cover an awful coaching job in the most historical game your unexpressive coaching facade will ever encounter.

Also, wait until the game is over to run onto the field. I know you know the rules. The clock stops on an incomplete pass. It will not start until the Giants snap the ball. That does not change because your cut-off sweatshirt laden pride got a damn boo-boo. Yes, the game is over in the sense that you no longer have a shot at winning. Surprisingly, the game isn’t all about you—it’s not Spygate after all.

Speaking of Spygate, now that I’m pulling the skeletons out of my close one by one, lets weigh in on that. I was, and am still, disgusted by that. Not just at the Patriots, mind you, because it’s obvious that stealing signals goes on in many shapes and forms from every coach and team in the league. I am disgusted, rather, for the evasive way of dealing with the issue.

You confront it, Bill, as many times as you need to. This goes back to your need for some grace. Surely you’ve got some—rumor has it you have a true personality off the field, one that even laughs and sings karaoke. Take a page from Coughlin and let a little shine into your coaching. That strategy is apparently better at garnering Super Bowl victories in ‘08.

Moving on from Bill, here’s something for you, Assante Samuel. Let me be the first to say that I hope you do not re-sign with the Patriots next year. I’m sick of your holdouts, I’m sick of your attitude (if me-first is proven to be Patriots incompatible, why is Samuel allowed to be so?), and I hate you for not intercepting that damn pass on the Giant’s last drive! I knew it would be our downfall the second you let it bounce off of your hands and out of bounds. It was.

Now go get rich and fade into mediocrity elsewhere.

Lastly, someone must address the Patriots shift in perfection-talk acceptability that occurred after the Chargers victory two weeks. With that win, since the final game of the season was now upon you, speaking of possible perfection became acceptable.

Well, it’s crap, and it was a stupid move.

If you say you play “one game at a time,” then you focus on only ONE GAME AT A TIME. With only one game left, there is no way to look forward, but that doesn’t mean you look back.

I heard it in the post-game sound bytes after the Chargers win, I heard it on media day, and I heard it all day yesterday during the pre-game shows: different Patriots talking about their “chance at history.”

Even in the game, which the Patriots were out-played in by nearly every standard, this forward thinking was apparent. Did you see the hug between Seau and Bruschi after Brady’s TD pass to Moss?

I just don’t understand. Why change? Why suddenly allow yourself to openly talk about your awareness of your opportunity. No one expects you not to think it, you obviously did all season, but don’t let everyone in on it.

Because in doing so, you became a different Patriots team. You played the opening second and every following one with the wish that you could find a way to make the final second come faster. Gone was the singular, uniting focus. Gone was the live-for-the-moment attitude (except for you, Kevin Faulk).

And gone, too, was history.

Congratulations, Giants and fans, for having a team that became a tighter unit with each passing playoff game. Congratulations for playing a Super Bowl game where your goal was visible from the opening second of the game (how many on-field celebtraions can you remember?) Congratulations for silencing all of your doubters.

Congratulations for doing it fairly, for doing it proudly, and for doing it gloriously.

This is a road in Arizona. I’m sure you get the idea.

Although my weekly NFL picks stopped after Week 12 (which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that my pick percentage took Reggie Wayne-like hit), they are back just in time for this season’s most important day.

With the lay-off comes a change to the format. Whereas before I was picking against the spread, these picks are straight win/loss. Reason being, at this point in the season, I care more about the excitement of the big game than I do worrying about the margin of victory. All that matters is winning, do so however you can.

So now, in reverse order (due to a New England bias, naturally), my Championship Weekend predictions:

New York Giants at Green Bay (6:30 ET)

If Eli Manning wins a Super Bowl ring this year, I’m starting the petition to add a “v” and “s” to his name. Just saying.

Unfortunately, that won’t happen. As magical as this post season hot streak has been, Favre’s on a Mission From God. The only way it can end is for him to end up in the big game against Brady and the Pats.

The scary thing is, I can’t really make a definitive case for why the Packers will win, mainly because it’s impossible to define the reason for the Giants all-of-a-sudden success. I mean, there are the obvious reasons, the Giants won their two playoff games, like the G-Men haven’t turned the ball over once, that their defense continues to dominate, and that Eli Manning’s last name has taken control of his body (except for his face, which remains uncontrollable). But as to why that stuff is happening—beyond reason.

Here’s what I do know, if Brett Favre continues to get the support on offense that he has all season (there’s no reason to think he won’t), it really doesn’t matter why the Giants are playing well or if they continue to do so. The Packers D is as solid (and under-mentioned) as any defense in the league this year, so with point production through the roof on offense, the outcome of the game is all but determined.

Think about it, what other team can lose possession twice in a game’s first 3 minutes and still completely rout the opposing team? Stuff like that is supposed to doom a team. Yet the Packers weren’t even phased. With they way Grant has been running and Favre has been passing, the Giants pass rush could be deemed useless.

On top of that, Jennings is my pick for Big Play Threat of the Year. Every game he and Favre link up on some ridiculously long TD, and it’s become so common place for them that the celebrations are becoming tame, almost like after a made Steve Nash free-throw.

All in all, Manning will have his hands full, both with Harris, Bigby, and the Packers own pass rush, and the inevitable wackiness of the cold (you know the game will have some weird moments). He will undoubtedly throw one, if not two, INT’s, and that will prove enough for the Pack. Onward to destiny, Brett, onward.

San Diego at New England (3 ET)

Disclaimer: I lived in San Diego for a year, just moving back to the East/Best Coast a few months ago. Therefore, I may or may not have numerous bets riding on this game, which may or may not intensify my strong negative feelings for the Chargers.

CHARGERS SUCK!

Sorry, that slipped out.

So, Billy Volek huh? He’s pretty good, in a Timmy Chang kind of way. Not that I really believe he will start. I mean, Rivers is about as mobile as the Washington Monument to begin with, so what is a hurt knee actually going to do, other than increase his balls-thrown-away-per-game average from 4 to 7?

Tomlinson also will be in action, but he doesn’t really worry me at full strength let alone with a tender knee. That’s not to say I don’t think he’s a great player, he most certainly is the best running back in the league, he just has had little success against the Pats. Although Vincent Jackson has noticeably stepped up his play (due largely to the attention Chris Chambers demands), Gates won’t be at full speed, and Rivers or Volek aren’t exactly Brett Favre or Peyton Manning. The Pats will key on LT and force the Chargers to beat them elsewhere.

The elsewhere certainly won’t be coming from the Charger’s D, though. Aaron Schatz (on Bill Simmons’ latest podcast) statistically backed up what I noticed earlier in the year: the Chargers are among the league’s worst in defending slot receivers. I would extend that to include all medium length passes, not just to slot receivers—remember the blown tackling on the long slant plays against Green Bay and Miami? Cromartie’s defense is exceptional, but he’s at his best when matching his athleticism with a wide receivers in deep ball situations. Tackling in the secondary was and continues to be San Diego’s biggest weakness.

And, you know, Wes Welker led the league in receptions as a slot receiver. And Brady loves the short game.

The only place where the elsewhere could come from is on special teams. As long as the Chargers special teams doesn’t deliver 2 TD’s (a la vs. Indy), I honestly believe this game should be fairly easy for the Lossless Ones.

Regardless of whether or not Moss has a big play or two (he will), the Pats offense is simply too diverse to be stopped by the Chargers. Merriman and Phillips will rush, and I’m sure they’ll cause their share of havoc. But you don’t attain 17-0 by accident, and you don’t let the chance at 18-0 pass you by because of a mental lapse, which is the only way the Chargers can win.

The Patriots will come ready to play Sunday, and there will be nothing the Chargers can do to stop them.

The sports world collectively upended itself over the past couple of days, and I am reeling. Not in a “my favorite team just got knocked out of the playoffs” kind of way (sorry Colts fans). It’s more based on the insanely high crazy stuff per hour ratio. With so much to weigh in on, I find it only right to bring back the bullets and work my through them.

• For the life of me I cannot figure out Terrell Owens. Is he really crying because he thinks his quarterback might be criticized by the media? Isn’t that a little bit like crying on Sunday because the next day is Monday and you have to go back to work?

  Yeah, it sucks, but it’s kind of the deal—you work during the week and you get the weekend off. Tears don’t lessen inevitability. Being a starting QB on a big name team and then losing in the playoffs for the second year in a row means you will be criticized, Mexico trip or not. Don’t get me wrong, I think Romo’s getaway to Cancun effected nothing about his performance and was made into a big deal solely by the media. I also think that Terrell Owens’ sympathy for his teammate is touching. But, like most things TO, I think it is somewhat childish and completely perplexing to shed tears and call the treatment unfair because Romo is “my quarterback man.”

• First the Celtics lose to the Bobcats and Wizards (with a win against the Nets sandwiched in between), then the Pistons get dismantled by the Knicks (or, more fairly, dismantle themselves with horrendous shooting). Does this mean that the Celtics are overrated and that the Knicks might be good? Probably a little and not at all. Please excuse my hypocrisy, but as Bill Simmons likes to point out on hid podcast (invite me on Bill!), in an era when the casual fan constantly has a steady flow of sports knowledge IV dripped into his ear, small events like this are made out to mean much more than they should. Good teams lose; it’s a long season. Now don’t bother me unless the Celtics lose to the Wizards and Blazers and the Knicks go on a short win streak prior the the MLK day game.
• Chicken or egg? Philip Rivers is cocky because he’s good, or he’s good because he’s so damn cocky? Whatever the reason, I hate him, and it worked. This will surely be touched on again by myself and 23o9473 media outlets before next week’s game, but Rivers’ brash play and game-ly taunting should completely cancel out the lack of sportsmanship the Patriots showed at the end of last season’s play off game. The team’s hypocrisy has, and I’m sure will continue to, anger me to no end. Stop whining about cheating when Merriman got suspended for cheating last year. Don’t talk about the Patriots lack of sportsmanship when Rivers talks trash to everything that isn’t wearing a Chargers uniform each week. I’ve got more ranting to do here, but seeing as how I now have a large amount of money riding on the Pats-Chargers game, I’ll save it for a late week NFL preview.
• An interesting tid bit I heard on some sports show on Friday regarding the Marion Jones debacle: no player has been sentenced for admitting to using illegal substances when asked. Only when they lie under oath and then retract their false statement later have they been indicted. Food for though in light of the Clemens case.
• Bad news for Lakers fans (and fun team basketball fans everywhere) with the Bynum knee injury. The X-Rays were negative, and from what I’ve heard he says it’s not too painful, but until those MRI results come back later today, you’ve got to be worried. Remember, this is the exact time the Lake-show turned sour last season due to injuries. Lets hope this is just a sprain, I would hate to see such a promising young center have his career drastically impacted this early.
• Lastly, a quick shout to Ryan Grant. I now rank him right there with Marion Barber and Michael Turner as the hardest runners in the NFL. He didn’t come out of nowhere, he apparated onto the damn scene. Do you think his performance made Shaun Alexander hurt on the inside more than just a little?

Play along at home

Yes Randy Moss, a tip of the hat to you and yours.

While my hat is T.I.’d (not arrested, tipped you idiots), one to you as well, Boston Celtics.

Why the hat tipping? Here’s one for sticking it to the haters.

With talks of easy scheduling, cheating, or any other nonsense that is “unearthed” on a near daily basis, the Patriots and Celtics continue to live by this simple mantra: win always, against whoever, however it is necessitated.

You see, professional sports are hard. Yeah, amazing right? The athletes are so uber-gifted it should give you a headache. Get off your butt (in between games), go down to your local gym, and find a group of high-school varsity players some time. In any sport, I dare you. They’ll eat you alive.

So professional players? Please. Professional=players whose profession is sports. Therefore, winning performed in the nature of said Celtics and Patriots needs to be appreciated. I know, Berman gushes enough on his thirty-minute “2 Minute Drill” every weekend. But let me make some amends to what he overlooks.

To start, the spin that the teams the Celtics have beaten are of lesser talent—pure crap. You can’t base a win’s worth solely on the records of the two teams. You base a win on a few factors, the most important one being how well a team plays. Look at the Jazz game last night. The Jazz, we all know, are capable of being a dominant team in the league, a top 4 team in the west. They’re 16-16 after last night’s loss. Does that depreciate the win the C’s had?

No.

Why? Because the Jazz played damn well. Match-ups count. Ask the Warriors, or better yet, ask Dirk about Australia. The Celtics three loses have come to teams who played excellently against the Celtics those games. None have been a result of the Celtics undermining themselves.

Look at the Pats. People talk of how they’re slipping. Their performances aren’t as convincing as the wins massacres they stock-piled at the start of the season. You know what, their close games were a result of opponents playing excellently. Ravens—the best they looked all season. Eagles—Feeley/God? And the Giants—Eli Manning’s single best performance I’ve ever witnessed.

So yes, there are some who appreciate 16-0 or 25-3. But not as much as they should, as evidenced by Randy Moss’s SportsCenter comment and Ray Allen’s quote.

So for those of you who hate, hush. Hate in silence, and hate from behind. New England teams can’t hear you from the top this year.

Wave it proudly, Coughlin

In every writing workshop I ever had–or the one’s that were worth a damn at least–the professor would make a general comment on the first day of class along the lines of this: “Leave the disclaimers out of your work; don’t put one in your piece, and don’t give us one before you read it aloud.”

Will someone please relay that message to Tom Coughlin?

Earlier in the week, grumblings from the land of not-quite-Giants found its way into my ear canals containing this disheartening piece of information: Coughlin was strongly considering resting numerous Giants starters against the Patriots this Saturday. His logic: their playoff spot is locked and they could use the rest for a few banged up players.

Well f_#@ that.

It’s a big, ugly disclaimer. Coughlin knows as well as anyone who’s been near SportsCenter this football season that Eli Manning, et al ≠ The Patriot’s kryptonite. The Giants will lose this Saturday, starters or not. But copping out before game day, check that, before Thursday? No wonder the Giants perennially fold this time of year.

Before you tell me to read today’s headlines, let me just say that I’ve read today’s headlines, and it changes nothing. The breaking news states Coughlin is leaning toward playing his starters. Burress even took a few reps in practice yesterday! Yay! And the Giants players, get this, want to play. Jacobs says he expects the same proportion of activity in the game.

But the damage is done. Once the disclaimer hit, all the glory of perfection went the way of a Barry Bonds home run (circa 2001 on): it became asterisked (or double asterisked, depending on how much you dislike the Patriots and are willing to overlook the fact that many NFL teams also “steal” calls).

Having laid his plan bare and for all to see, now, when the game gets out of hand, and it most definitely will, Coughlin can furrow his brow, talk into his Motorola headset (did you know that both Las Vegas AND the Motorola logo on NFL headsets can be seen from space?), and pull his players of worth. And then I’ll have to listen to ESPN jack-asses discuss the validity of the Patriots’ undefeated season for the length of their playoff run. (As a side note: if I ever run into Skip Bayless on the street, I plan to ask him which way north is, insist it is the opposite of whatever direction he says, implore him to convince me otherwise, wholly disagree with each and every word he speaks, and then backhand him before smugly telling him he’s “off the Budweiser Hot Seat.”)

Esquire’s latest issue (Esquire is the best magazine on the planet, and you should read it) features a compilation of the best “What I’ve Learned” interviews from the past ten years. Among the hundreds of gems comes this quote from a 2006 “What I’ve Learned” interview with Buck O’Neil, a Negro League baseball player for the Kansas City Monarchs and the first African American coach in Major League Baseball with the Chicago Cubs:

“No, you’re never gonna see that again. Oh, no! I mean, nobody is going to pitch to Barry Bonds in the World Series. You walk him. You don’t walk batters to get to Barry Bonds. But that’s how it was. That was a different era—an era of personal competition. You lived to pitch to Josh Gibson. Why do you think Babe Ruth hit so many home runs? They weren’t pitching around him. When Walter Johnson was on the mound, he felt it was his job to get him out. This is how I get my kicks—pitching to the best.”

It certainly is a different era, an era where the Coughlins of the world can wave the white flag before the battle even starts, and feel completely dignified in doing so.

From me to you, Tom Coughlin, I hope you choke on your disclaimer, that you injure yourself waving that white flag, and that you have to watch the game from your locker room while the boos for Eli leak through the ceiling above you and your starters are made to look like blocking dummies while the Patriots perfectly dismantle your “Giants.”

The Dolphins New Mascot

You know what you’ve got to love? The ineptitude of damn near 80% of the NFL reporters and fans this year when it comes to the New England Patriots. It has gotten to the point that Tom Brady—born with a composed intellect, Ralph Lauren model hair, and the faint odor of Stetson cologne—finally allowed his frustration to reach a low simmer. SportsCenter played a voice clip of Brady telling a reporter that yes, in fact, the Patriots are trying to win by as much as they can against every opponent.

“We’re trying to play extremely well. We’re not trying to win 42-28. We’re trying to win–we’re trying to kill teams, to blow them out if we can. You want to build momentum for each week. You don’t want it to be 42-7 or 35-7 and then all of a sudden you look up and it’s 35-21.”

When did NFL fans start wearing fuzzy slippers around the house? Of course you try and score on every possession, at every chance that presents itself. If your team was so hot that they could convert on 4^th and 2 with 2 linemen, armless Ashton Kutcher from Butterfly Effect at Q, and Stephen Hawking at RB, what would you want them do? You would want them to go for it every single time. So why don’t all of you quit your whimpering and go do a couple push-ups after you finish blow drying your red toenail paint.

I don’t want to hear one more word about running up scores, or the integrity of the game. This isn’t Pee Wee basketball: everyone doesn’t get to play and go home with a smile, a participation trophy, and an orange slice. The Patriots aren’t pulling an Albert Haynesworth—they’re simply competing. Just because Belichick is the only coach in today’s NFL who actually inspired his players to go full throttle until the game reaches its conclusion doesn’t mean he has poor sportsmanship. It just means your team has poor coaching or sub-par execution.

Week 11 Results: 9-7

Season: 96-63

Week 12 Picks: (Home team in CAPS, lines based on opening week odds found on ESPN.com’s Pigskin Pick’em):

Green Bay (-3.5) over DETROIT

I’m not quite sure why the line is so low; I would have expected it closer to 6 with how the Packers have been playing. I agree with the line–I’m just surprised Vegas marked it there. In fact, I still don’t quite feel comfortable with picking the Packers at 3.5 points—something just tells me the Lions will come to play on Turkey Day. That, and Favre is due for an interception or two. I mean REALLY due. Nonetheless, the Packers defense has been dominant on all fronts, almost as if they were being offered money to stop opposing teams…

NEW YORK JETS (+14.5) over Dallas

I believe in Tony Romo. I believe Marion Barber will explode for three big plays and a score. I believe TO will drop a couple passes as well as catch a TD pass and surprise us with an entertaining end zone dance (someone please talk trash to TO or Chad Johnson—the Commissioner must not be successful in his attempt to control touchdown celebrations). I believe the Cowboys would be absolutely frightening if Terry Glenn were healthy. I believe that the Cowboys are prone to mental lapses. I also believe that the Cowboys have a flair for the dramatic. Because of this, I do not believe Dallas will win by 15.

Indianapolis (-11.5) over ATLANTA

One name: Joseph Addai. Prepare to hear this name one time for every calorie you consume on Thursday.

CAROLINA (+3.5) over New Orleans

Why is everyone just now starting to question Reggie Bush’s guaranteed Hall of Fame induction last year? “Wait, you mean he actually has to go out and do something before we can label him God?” I can’t have been the only one to notice that the fancy footwork and penchant for cut-backs that made him a stud at USC fooled no one in the NFL last year. Has he had any highlights where absolutely left a defender Supermaning turf? Bush has excellent strength and speed, as well as being versatile. But notice that Adrian Peterson, a much less flashy runner, has had four times the success of Bush.

As for the game, who cares? I sincerely hope New Orleans loses every game for the rest of the season, if for no other reason than that I actually watched a few of their early season games and now have permanent scars on my retina because of it. Both teams are wildly unpredictable, so I’ll go with Testaverde at home. Haha. I just laughed at that sentence.

CINCINNATTI (+1.5) over Tennessee

Vince Young just received the equivalent of O-linemen purposely taking a play off. His receivers, after two season’s worth of having erratic passes sprayed all across the field, decided that it was payback time. So they dropped the ball. Then they dropped it again. Sweet karma.

No, really though, the Monday Night game must have left Titans fans dually happy and pissed. “YES! Vince young can throw! NO! Another 40+ yard touchdown by the Broncos!” If Cutler and a TJ Maxx jersey special RB can power the Broncos to 35 points, what do you think Palmer, Henry, Hosh Kosh B Gosh, and the suddenly tight-lipped Ocho Cinco can do?

Houston (+3.5) over CLEVELAND

Just a week after saying I had jumped on the Cleveland bandwagon, I have decided I will also commute on the Texans bandwagon, leavinh me in a very precarious situation. The Texans finally seem to have regained the early season momentum, which surprisingly coincides with the return of Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub.

Another thing worth noting is that, much like the Cowboys, the Browns will scrap, claw, and fight for every win. They don’t win pretty–they win like Browns. And after a near loss against the Ravens, I’m not sure they will have luck on their side again. I expect a close game, and will take the safety of the points.

JACKSONVILLE (-7.5) over Buffalo

I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars.

P.S. Shawne Merriman got knocked the F%@* OUT!

KANSAS CITY (-5.5) over Oakland

Hey, remember when Oakland got the #1 pick, then didn’t want to pay him #1 money? And then he held out of training camp? And then he didn’t play all season because he was behind on plays/the Raiders are the Raiders? He’s starting this week…

So KC by 10.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Minnesota

Wouldn’t it be funny if we found out that Adrian Peterson suited up in Chester Taylor’s gear last week because he has Wolverine-like healing powers and has deemed torn ligaments beneath him? At least then we might have a logical explanation for those 3 TD’s Taylor ended up with.

While Dr. X gets on that case, I’m going to trust that the aberration that was the Vikings last week will right itself in New York. I’m expecting 80 yards passing, 80 yards rushing, and a 6+ punts—nothing more, nothing less.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Seattle

How quickly we forget that the Rams usually play decent football. And Stephen Jackson—I’m pretty sure he graced the front cover of a number of sports magazines equal to that of Kevin Durant shot attempts prior to the season’s start.

Seattle, meanwhile, continues to win unimpressively. Come to think of it, maybe their franchise should just be called the Seattle Unimpressives. Their jerseys are already unimpressive. Their quarterback is consistently unimpressive. Their running back, even when he was an MVP candidate, was so unimpressively. They could even get a fat, unenthusiastic guy to dress up as their mascot. And their dancers would be 5’s at most. And perform in big t-shirts and pajama pants.

Washington (+3.5) over TAMPA BAY

The Redskins are due for a quality win. Although I’m not quite sure how or why the Bucs are good enough this year to be considered a quality win, they are. The Skins showed resiliency against the Cowboys last week, and Santana Moss may officially be waking up from a 10-game slumber. Somehow, those two things, plus the typical “eh” performance from Campbell against the Cowboys last week makes me think Washington will not only cover, but win outright.

That doesn’t really make sense, but so far this season, nonsensical reasoning has trumped rational reasoning almost every time.

SAN FRANCISCO (+10.5) over Arizona

San Fran can’t lose every game for the rest of the season—can they? They did win their first two games; they’ve got it in them. Although there was a funny headline I saw somewhere earlier today that simply stated “Alex Smith Won’t Heal.” He just refuses. You can almost picture him saying, “Nope, no way, I’m not going back to that. Not until Frank Gore starts to average at least half of what he averaged per carry last year will I allow my body to run its due course.” Can’t say that I would blame him.

Denver (+2.5) over CHICAGO

The reasons I am selecting Denver in this game:

· Chicago lost to the Seattle Unimpressives last week

· Rex Grossman is still the QB, which means Lovie Smith simply cannot be trusted to make rational decisions

· The Broncos are used the playing in the cold

· I like money

Baltimore (+9.5) over SAN DIEGO

I absolutely hate San Diego’s team. It’s true, I just decided that last week as they were sabotaging yet another one of my picks. Of the 10 games they have played this season, I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten 11 of them wrong. Either be good or be bad damn it!

I also hate Phillip Rivers. He throws funny, he only passes to Antonio Gates, and he won’t step up in the pocket—instead choosing to dance around like a four-year-old who just downed his sippy cup and is moments away from urinating all over himself.

And the Chargers secondary. I have played exactly 0 competitive football games in my life, but I am POSITIVE I can tackle better than at least three quarters of that secondary. Yeah yeah Cromartie had two good games this year. In the other 8 games the Chargers secondary may as well have been wearing usher uniforms and handing out popcorn to receivers on their way to the end zone. I swear, they’re like a new state of matter: they are a solid whose main property is letting other solids pass through it. Yup, I said it: the Chargers secondary is a freak of science. I hope Albert Einstein kicks each and every one of them in their groin in the afterlife.

New England (-22.5) over PHILADELPHIA

I feel dirty choosing any team to cover a 22.5 point spread. That’s three touchdowns and then some. But Donovan McNabb may not play, Westbrook is a neverending threat to be out due to injury, and the Patriots have turned into a group of devout monks that suddenly decided winning by less than 30 is eternal sin numero uno.

You could even try and argue that Maroney and Faulk both possibly being hurt could make this egregious spread hard cover. But the Patriots have spent the past 11 weeks showing that they couldn’t give a damn what they’re faced against, they will prove each and every one of us wrong 16 times over.

That, and in his gray hoodie, Belichick looks like a sociopath, so I’m a little worried that if I bet against the Patriots I will open my front door on Monday and Belichick will be standing there with a clip board and a scowl, and then precede to pummel me as though my last name were Mangini.

Miami (+16.5) over PITTSBURGH

This is my thinking: the Steelers lost to the Jets last weekend, the Jets wear green, and the Dolphins wear teal (a close cousin of green). Therefore, Dolphins > Steelers.

Want to know how to instill confidence in your readers about your picks for Week 11? Simply start off your post with this statement: There’s a good chance that I will go 2-14 this week. On the same hand, there’s an equally good chance I will go 14-2. Apparently, Vegas got sick of being burned by the common-sensical fan (like myself) who realized that a good number of the lines they were putting out lacked, you could say, intelligence (Green Bay -6.5 versus Minnesota? Baltimore -5.5 against Cincinnati?). In response, this week (with the aid of a strangely divided schedule) they decided to try and scare away bettors in an attempt to hedge their losses. In a week where all of the “might be good, might really suck” teams are squaring off, with the exception of the 3 1/2 powerhouses (Indy = 1/2 a powerhouse right now) playing weak opponents, Vegas basically said “Since we obviously don’t know what we’re doing, we’ll make the line a near pick on the tough games and extremely high on the lop-sided games–you go sweat it out!” Thanks Vegas, I feel like Patrick Ewing at the free throw line 39 seconds in to a game.

As usual, my track record is below (so you know what you’re getting into), followed by my Week 11 picks.

My Weekly Results:

Week 1: 13-3

Week 2: 9-6

Week 3: 7-9

Week 4: 6-8

Week 5: 6-8

Week 6: 10-3

Week 7: 7-7

Week 8:10-3

Week 9: 9-5

Week 10: 10-4

Season: 87-56

Week 11 Picks (Home team in CAPS, lines based on opening week odds found on ESPN.com’s Pigskin Pick’em):

Tampa Bay (-3.5) over ATLANTA:

Admit it, you have no clue who plays for either of these teams. Watching the game would be like seeing the Rockies in the World Series, except instead of beards these guys have helmets. Most likely, you won’t be watching the game though.

Tampa Bay is coming off of a bye week, a cortisone shot for any team after 10 weeks of an NFL season, and an already solid running game should be bolstered by the likely return of Michael Pittman. In addition, I’ll take Jeff Garcia over Joey Harrington any day. Then again, maybe I just don’t know the names of any receivers on the Falcons that Harrington would be inaccurately passing to.

Arizona (+3.5) over CINCINNATI:

Kurt Warner will never leave will he? And Cincinnati won’t ever decide if they’re going to be a real team or not will they? No matter how many questions I ask, there won’t be a clear-cut answer as to which of these teams will win this game will there?

Chris Henry is back, and Chad Johnson most likely will play too, but another Bengals LB, this time Caleb Miller, is out. And they’re still the Bengals, which means they’re still just as likely to start a knife fight with their cheer leaders as they are to hang 45 on the Cardinals. Instead, I’ll go with Fitzgerald and Boldin, who are looking good now that they don’t have a new quarterback throwing to them every other half, and pray that I don’t have to see any clips of Warner’s wife.

INDIANAPOLIS (-14.5) over Kansas City:

Yes, 14.5 is an obnoxiously high line, especially for a team that just lost its best defensive player in Dwight Freeney and may be without Harrison for yet another game. But, after initially selecting KC and trying to write a set of rational reasons why, I realized that was impossible to do, and I should probably go pull a Sylvia Plath for even allowing myself to think that the Colts wouldn’t eviscerate the Chiefs.

Clark will play, the Colts D will make Croyle’s wife cry despite Freeney’s absence, and Addai will bounce back from his quiet game against a surprisingly hungry Chargers defense. On top of that, the Colts are at home and the Chiefs have an old priest as their running back.

San Diego (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE:

Cromartie? Really? 2 weeks in a row? I mean, who would have thought that the Bolts defense and special teams would be outplaying their offense the last two games? Despite the fact that Garrard will most likely start for the Jags this week, it’s about time for LT to have an LT game. He’ll most likely throw for a TD this game as well, because Rivers is throwing the ball like he had reverse LASIK surgery. I can’t think of a more frustrating team to play for as a WR than the Chargers.

Charger’s Receiver: “So this Rivers guy only throws to our TE, on limited throws to start with, and our number one receiver didn’t play football in college and has a football IQ equivalent to Sloth from the Goonies? I’d rather be wearing a dog collar at Michael Vick’s house.”

Oakland (+5.5) over MINNESOTA:

Am I missing something here? Peterson, the Vikings’ leading rusher and second leading receiver, is out with an LCL tear, they scored 0 points las week, and they’re starting Tavaris Jackson again. HE THREW FOR 72 AND 63 YARDS IN HIS LAST TWO STARTS! In advance, I apologize to my parents if Minnesota somehow covers because I just bet the house, the dog, and Grandma.

Cleveland (-2.5) over BALTIMORE:

Cleveland shoud have no trouble in this game, and–wait, what did you just say, Boller is starting this week? Kyle Boller? THE Kyle Boller? Well that changes everything.

No it doesn’t. Slap yourself for even momentarily thinking it did. Lets face it, the Ravens aren’t the Ravens this year. It happens. In fact, we should have expected it to happen. Every year teams flip-flop from good to bad. The Ravens could very well win the Super Bowl over San Fran next year. As for this year, I am officially a Cleveland band-wagon member because Edwards is a G (did you see that catch?!), Winslow is (finally) legit, and Anderson is fearless/too dumb to care. They’re still inexperienced, as we saw against the Steelers last week, but they’re also an offensive handful. And Baltimore simply can’t handle having their hands full on defense this year.

GREEN BAY (-9.5) over Carolina:

Yup, you read that right. Who would have guessed Green Bay would be demanding spreads that high at the start of the season? Then again, who would have thought that Smith would be on a streak of 5-plus weeks without a Sportscenter highlight? Or that Testaverde would be starting? Regardless, stopping the Packers in the Land of Cheese, especially with a (gasp) newly found running game, is about as unlikely for the Panthers as Testaverde getting carded for an R-rated movie at a theater.

New Orleans (-1.5) over HOUSTON:

Last week, I cited the Saints’ 0-4 start as a reminder that they weren’t as good as their 4-game winning streak led everyone to believe. This week, I will say that they’re not as bad as their performance against the Rams either. The Rams simply had that win coming to them.

Schaub remains questionable for Houston this week, as does the last name of current QB Sage Rosenfels (what the hell is a Rosenfels? Rosenfeld maybe? It sounds like someone speaking German with a mouthful of pancakes or something). As long as Brees decides to throw to Saints receivers instead of Texans defenders, covering should be no problem for New Orleans.

Miami (+10.5) over PHILADELPHIA:

The Eagles are not right this year. They’re like that stressed out Mom at the mall with 5 kids screaming and pulling stuff off the shelves, just not able to convince anyone they’re in control. They’re up and down, Westbrook is made of action movie glass, and McNabb is two interceptions away from having a bomb put in his car by an angry Philadelphia fan (like there’s any other kind).

As for Miami, they just reinstated a pot-head and decided they’re starting a 26 year-old rookie QB from BYU (fresh off of a mission) for the remainder of the season–that’s got to count for something. Really though, the Dolphins didn’t look awful last week, and I won’t be surprised if the game is closer than expected, especially if McNabb has a bad series or two early and the crowd turns on him.

In other Dolphins news, I found this quote in a story from ESPN.com (click here for full story).

Cleo Lemon: “The most important factor was that we didn’t win in any games,” Lemon said, “so from that standpoint, for me it’s kind of disappointing.”

What could Lemon have been asked? Describe your feelings about your recent starts? What did you take away from your 4 starts? Do you agree with Cameron’s move to return you to the bench?

Also, how is losing all of your starts “kind of disappointing?” Kind of disappointing is burning your popcorn in the microwave, or finding out the cute girl at the gym is a lesbian, or realizing the irony in your last name after losing 4 games in row. Blowing a golden opportunity to make a name/reputation for yourself, I would say, sucks completely. Being an important part in what may be the first 0-16 team in NFL history and forever being remembered for it should probably haunt your dreams, not be “kind of disappointing.” But hey, maybe I just don’t understand that Dolphin mentality (something tells me Ricky Williams may know a guy who could help me get there though).

New York Giants (-2.5) over DETROIT:

Of course the week that I finally decide to get off Eli Manning’s back and send a little praise his way, he throws two interceptions in a loss to Dallas. The saving grace for Eli and the Giants is that the Lions are no Cowboys, and Kitna certainly is no Romo. I don’t expect Kitna to be able to avoid the pass rush all game long, and foresee a couple hurried throws turn into interceptions. That, and I’m still waiting for the big “I’m back and unstoppable” game from Brandon Jacobs. This could be the week. Then again, I also could have been saying that for the last 3.

Pittsburgh (-9.5) over NEW YORK JETS:

Mangenius huh? They must have lowered the standards when I wasn’t looking. Next thing you know we’ll find out that this lady joined MENSA.

What this game comes down to is simple: the Steelers are good, and the Jets are bad. Sign me up for the Mangenius Society.

And while we’re on the topic of the Jets coach, I am officially starting a petition to Roger Goodell requesting that Mangini wear a large, scarlet “S” on his Jets coat for the rest of his career. Stop Snitching Mangini.

DALLAS (-10.5) over Washington:

Here’s something you don’t want to hear as a Redskins fan: Sean Taylor is out indefinitely with sprained knee. Here’s another: J0e Gibbs dances around the Redksins practice facility in his skivvies. I made one of those up, you figure out which one.

Romo and the Boys are undefeated vs. the NFC this year and fresh off a convincing win over a tough team in the New York Giants. They had a sub-par running game against New York, yet they still scored 31 points. Add Tank Johnson to the mix, and it’s safe to say Gibbs’ dancing antics will be greatly subdued come Monday.

St. Louis (-2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO:

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SEATTLE (-4.5) over Chicago:

Rex ix back. Maybe those three words should be followed by a question mark, or perhaps the sound of a bullet ripping through my head if I was a Bears fan. What exactly did Rex do so well last week? Yeah, he hit Berrian on a bomb. What’s different from what he did earlier this year, and all of last year? He closes his eyes and throws it far: sometimes it works, more often it doesn’t. There’s a limit of one QB per every ten years that doesn’t get any smarter but finds inexplicable success, and Favre (who is on a mission from God–which is different than the Godly mission John Beck was on) has filled that quota. If you’re a Bears fan (if there still are Bears fans out there) how do you forgive Lovie Smith? Especially if Rex comes out playing like Rex.

For the record, the Seahawks are no prize either. Who knows if they are good or bad. Were they really in the Super Bowl two years ago? I just refuse to put any faith in Grossman. Period.

New England (-15.5) over BUFFALO:

If you can find this game at this line this late in the week, speed to Vegas and bet the farm. And make sure you tell the bookie you’re “betting the farm.” Marshawn Lynch won’t play for the Bills this week, and by the end of the game, JP Losman will wish he hadn’t either.

The Pats, fueled by an endless supply of “we havn’t accomplished anything yet” from Belichick, come hungrily off a bye week. Which means Maroney is rested and may finally be at 100%. Which means the Bills are going to get destroyed.

Tennessee (+2.5) over DENVER:

Why do I have to see Denver playing a night game every week? Do they think that Denver’s boring team looks better in the dark or something? Honestly.

Now, I know betting against a team playing in Denver isn’t considered a good idea. On the same hand, betting against Vince Young in the National Spotlight is also not recommended. Once again, whispers about Young’s worth are surfacing, which makes me think this very well may be a statement game (perhaps like that one he had in college, or the entire second half of last year). Even if it turns out not to be a statement game for Young, there’s still a 67% chance the Haynesworth will end Cutler’s life before half time, and that alone must make picking Tennessee a safe choice.

After having a few people ask me for my NFL picks due to recent semi-success in my Pigskin Pick’em Sports Guy League, I have decided to make my picks a weekly post on commaPause. I’ll give a little rationale behind each pick, but keep in mind, I am by no means an NFL expert (which is probably why I have been doing fairly well this season–a lack of expertise keeps me from over-thinking match-ups, plus I have relatively little team/player bias in the NFL as compared to the NBA). And remember, I charge 20% of all winnings, but the fine print at the bottom removes any responsibility for money lost from my picks. Or at least buy me a damn drink if you make some cash of me.

Results:

Week 1: 13-3

Week 2: 9-6

Week 3: 7-9

Week 4: 6-8

Week 5: 6-8

Week 6: 10-3

Week 7: 7-7

Week 8:10-3

Week 9: 9-5

Season: 77-52

Week 10 Picks (Home team in CAPS, lines based on opening week odds found on ESPN’s Pigskin Pick’em):

Atlanta (+4.5) over CAROLINA:
Carolina has looked horrendous for the past few weeks, with Steve Smith getting very few touches due to merry-go-round of quarterbacks. With Carr out this week, and Testaverde injured, I’ll take the Falcons on this one.

GREEN BAY (-7.5) over Minnesota:

If you haven’t heard, Adrian Peterson ran for a lot of yards last week. No really! Unfortunately for him, it was against the Chargers, and their defense against the run this year would have a hard time stopping Peterson on a Rascal, let alone running upright. I mean, they gave up 100 yards to Larry Johnson a good two weeks before he even slightly resembled the old LJ last week(which, of course, coincided with him injuring his foot, so he won’t be fully healthy for more than 3 games when the season is all said and done). The Packers have a solid run defense, and the Vikings did not fare well against the last good run D they faced (remember Dallas?). Plus, Favre is on a mission from God.

Denver (+4.5) over KANSAS CITY:

Picking Denver this year has been unsafe at best. Then again, Larry Johnson will sit this one out, and Damon Huard is still the Q for KC. Yes, the game is in Arrowhead. No, that’s not what it used to be. I’ll take Denver to cover here.

Buffalo (-2) over MIAMI:

It’s true, Miami is bad. It’s also true that Buffalo is better than they are given credit for (they’re on a 3-game winning streak). Lee Evans is back to his old ways, Edwards and Losman are equally effective, and Miami’s run defense is horrendous so Lynch should have a big game (even more so with Jason Taylor out). Fresh off a bye or not, Miami should get trounced.

St. Louis (+11.5) over NEW ORLEANS:

Perhaps I am falling into Vegas’s idiot trap here, but 11.5 is a lot of points. Sure, the Rams are bad, but they’re not going to go 0-for-the-season. Stephen Jackson returns to provide the Rams with approximately 50 yards and 2 fumbles, but somehow I think that may be enough to keep the game within at TD and a field goal. Plus, I’m not sold on New Orleans as juggernauts yet. Lets not forget how pitiful they looked as they started 0-4. Momentum is key in sports, but I’m still taking the Rams.

Cleveland (+9.5) over Pittsburgh:

Umm… the Browns are good too! Sure the Steelers racked up the points on Monday night: they were playing the RAVENS! McNair doesn’t even like football anymore, and half of the Ravens passing defense was hurt! Cleveland has much more fire power than Baltimore (Derek Anderson: the MIP in the NFL this season?), and Big Ben isn’t going to throw for 5 TDs again. He’s good, but come on. On a positive note for Pittsburgh fans, Willie Parker should rebound from his poor showing last week.

Jacksonville (+4.5) over TENNESSEE:

This game scares me. Vince Young has a penchanct for winning close games, but the real questions lies in whether they win on a Young touchdown run (Young with a game-winning TD pass? Ha!) or a Rob Bironas field goal. Either way game should be close as Tennessee doesn’t blow anyone out and Jacksonville is nothing if not tough. Expect a battle, and save your money for a different game.

WASHINGTON (-2.5) over Philadelphia:

Washington hasn’t looked great the last three weeks. Neither has Philly. But I’ll take the Redskins D over the ‘07 McNabb any day. Despite the fact that both Moss and Randle El are both banged up, the run game for the Skins should be enough.

Cincinnati (+5.5) over BALTIMORE:

Yeah, it’s in Baltimore, and yeah, Lewis warned teams about playing in Baltimore. Still, Baltimore being favored by 5.5 means that Lewis’s D would have to hold the Bengals to 0 points, because I don’t care who plays QB for the Ravens, their offense is atrocious. And it’s about time for the Bengals to snap out of their funk.

Detroit (+1.5) over ARIZONA:

I feel like there’s something I’m missing here: Detroit is 6-2, fresh off of wins Tampa, Chicago, and Denver, while Arizona is 3-5, having lost 3 of its last 4. So Kitna has come back down to earth a little the past few weeks–it’s still Arizona. This one seems too easy to me…

NEW YORK GIANTS (+1.5) over Dallas:

Betting against Dallas is risky this year. Still, much has changed since these the G-Men were obliterated by Dallas in Week 1. Brandon Jacobs is a hand full, and Manning is slowly maturing (much like Peyton did) into a strong quarterback. I just wish he would close his mouth and get that dumbfounded look off of his face once in a while. Nonetheless, Romo is still streaky, and he’s still risky, which equals lots of potential turnovers against this Giants defense (I just hope Barber has a big day–there are fantasy games to be won).

Chicago (-3.5) over OAKLAND:

I know little about these two teams and care less. Chicago comes off a bye week, Oakland comes off a “we are a bad team” week, and the world keeps on turning. Chicago gets my vote due to the Devin Hester factor. Next please.

INDIANAPOLIS (-3.5) over San Diego:

Things we know:

1. The Chargers gave up 300 yards to Adrian Peterson last week, and Minnesota has a bad quarterback.
2. The Colts have a good quarterback and Joseph Addai is a gangster.
3. The Colts blew a late lead to their nemesis and are certainly steaming mad.
4. The Colts defense officially has a killer instinct.
5. Phil Rivers sleeps with teddy bears and white heart PJ’s on (teddy bears and PJ’s are the antithesis of a killer instinct).
6. The Chargers have the dumbest secondary in the history of the sport (in fact, they are to be referred to as the “tripledary” from now on: they’re not good enough for second) and will most likely look foolish against Manning.
7. LT and Gates just aren’t enough

SEATTLE (-9.5) over San Francisco:

I really want to pick the Niners here, but I can’t logically do it. Fragile Frank runs for .391 yards/carry this year, Vernon Davis only looks good at football on commercials, and they have lost 6 in a row. The Seahawks are no good either (Seattle is a cursed city for sports this year), but they are less bad than San Fran. About 14 points less bad.