The Dolphins New Mascot
You know what you’ve got to love? The ineptitude of damn near 80% of the NFL reporters and fans this year when it comes to the New England Patriots. It has gotten to the point that Tom Brady—born with a composed intellect, Ralph Lauren model hair, and the faint odor of Stetson cologne—finally allowed his frustration to reach a low simmer. SportsCenter played a voice clip of Brady telling a reporter that yes, in fact, the Patriots are trying to win by as much as they can against every opponent.
“We’re trying to play extremely well. We’re not trying to win 42-28. We’re trying to win–we’re trying to kill teams, to blow them out if we can. You want to build momentum for each week. You don’t want it to be 42-7 or 35-7 and then all of a sudden you look up and it’s 35-21.”
When did NFL fans start wearing fuzzy slippers around the house? Of course you try and score on every possession, at every chance that presents itself. If your team was so hot that they could convert on 4th and 2 with 2 linemen, armless Ashton Kutcher from Butterfly Effect at Q, and Stephen Hawking at RB, what would you want them do? You would want them to go for it every single time. So why don’t all of you quit your whimpering and go do a couple push-ups after you finish blow drying your red toenail paint.
I don’t want to hear one more word about running up scores, or the integrity of the game. This isn’t Pee Wee basketball: everyone doesn’t get to play and go home with a smile, a participation trophy, and an orange slice. The Patriots aren’t pulling an Albert Haynesworth—they’re simply competing. Just because Belichick is the only coach in today’s NFL who actually inspired his players to go full throttle until the game reaches its conclusion doesn’t mean he has poor sportsmanship. It just means your team has poor coaching or sub-par execution.
Week 11 Results: 9-7
Week 12 Picks: (Home team in CAPS, lines based on opening week odds found on ESPN.com’s Pigskin Pick’em):
Green Bay (-3.5) over DETROIT
I’m not quite sure why the line is so low; I would have expected it closer to 6 with how the Packers have been playing. I agree with the line–I’m just surprised Vegas marked it there. In fact, I still don’t quite feel comfortable with picking the Packers at 3.5 points—something just tells me the Lions will come to play on Turkey Day. That, and Favre is due for an interception or two. I mean REALLY due. Nonetheless, the Packers defense has been dominant on all fronts, almost as if they were being offered money to stop opposing teams…
NEW YORK JETS (+14.5) over Dallas
I believe in Tony Romo. I believe Marion Barber will explode for three big plays and a score. I believe TO will drop a couple passes as well as catch a TD pass and surprise us with an entertaining end zone dance (someone please talk trash to TO or Chad Johnson—the Commissioner must not be successful in his attempt to control touchdown celebrations). I believe the Cowboys would be absolutely frightening if Terry Glenn were healthy. I believe that the Cowboys are prone to mental lapses. I also believe that the Cowboys have a flair for the dramatic. Because of this, I do not believe Dallas will win by 15.
Indianapolis (-11.5) over ATLANTA
One name: Joseph Addai. Prepare to hear this name one time for every calorie you consume on Thursday.
CAROLINA (+3.5) over New Orleans
Why is everyone just now starting to question Reggie Bush’s guaranteed Hall of Fame induction last year? “Wait, you mean he actually has to go out and do something before we can label him God?” I can’t have been the only one to notice that the fancy footwork and penchant for cut-backs that made him a stud at USC fooled no one in the NFL last year. Has he had any highlights where absolutely left a defender Supermaning turf? Bush has excellent strength and speed, as well as being versatile. But notice that Adrian Peterson, a much less flashy runner, has had four times the success of Bush.
As for the game, who cares? I sincerely hope New Orleans loses every game for the rest of the season, if for no other reason than that I actually watched a few of their early season games and now have permanent scars on my retina because of it. Both teams are wildly unpredictable, so I’ll go with Testaverde at home. Haha. I just laughed at that sentence.
CINCINNATTI (+1.5) over Tennessee
Vince Young just received the equivalent of O-linemen purposely taking a play off. His receivers, after two season’s worth of having erratic passes sprayed all across the field, decided that it was payback time. So they dropped the ball. Then they dropped it again. Sweet karma.
No, really though, the Monday Night game must have left Titans fans dually happy and pissed. “YES! Vince young can throw! NO! Another 40+ yard touchdown by the Broncos!” If Cutler and a TJ Maxx jersey special RB can power the Broncos to 35 points, what do you think Palmer, Henry, Hosh Kosh B Gosh, and the suddenly tight-lipped Ocho Cinco can do?
Houston (+3.5) over CLEVELAND
Just a week after saying I had jumped on the Cleveland bandwagon, I have decided I will also commute on the Texans bandwagon, leavinh me in a very precarious situation. The Texans finally seem to have regained the early season momentum, which surprisingly coincides with the return of Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub.
Another thing worth noting is that, much like the Cowboys, the Browns will scrap, claw, and fight for every win. They don’t win pretty–they win like Browns. And after a near loss against the Ravens, I’m not sure they will have luck on their side again. I expect a close game, and will take the safety of the points.
JACKSONVILLE (-7.5) over Buffalo
I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars. I will not pick against the Jaguars.
P.S. Shawne Merriman got knocked the F%@* OUT!
KANSAS CITY (-5.5) over Oakland
Hey, remember when Oakland got the #1 pick, then didn’t want to pay him #1 money? And then he held out of training camp? And then he didn’t play all season because he was behind on plays/the Raiders are the Raiders? He’s starting this week…
So KC by 10.
NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Minnesota
Wouldn’t it be funny if we found out that Adrian Peterson suited up in Chester Taylor’s gear last week because he has Wolverine-like healing powers and has deemed torn ligaments beneath him? At least then we might have a logical explanation for those 3 TD’s Taylor ended up with.
While Dr. X gets on that case, I’m going to trust that the aberration that was the Vikings last week will right itself in New York. I’m expecting 80 yards passing, 80 yards rushing, and a 6+ punts—nothing more, nothing less.
ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Seattle
How quickly we forget that the Rams usually play decent football. And Stephen Jackson—I’m pretty sure he graced the front cover of a number of sports magazines equal to that of Kevin Durant shot attempts prior to the season’s start.
Seattle, meanwhile, continues to win unimpressively. Come to think of it, maybe their franchise should just be called the Seattle Unimpressives. Their jerseys are already unimpressive. Their quarterback is consistently unimpressive. Their running back, even when he was an MVP candidate, was so unimpressively. They could even get a fat, unenthusiastic guy to dress up as their mascot. And their dancers would be 5’s at most. And perform in big t-shirts and pajama pants.
Washington (+3.5) over TAMPA BAY
The Redskins are due for a quality win. Although I’m not quite sure how or why the Bucs are good enough this year to be considered a quality win, they are. The Skins showed resiliency against the Cowboys last week, and Santana Moss may officially be waking up from a 10-game slumber. Somehow, those two things, plus the typical “eh” performance from Campbell against the Cowboys last week makes me think Washington will not only cover, but win outright.
That doesn’t really make sense, but so far this season, nonsensical reasoning has trumped rational reasoning almost every time.
SAN FRANCISCO (+10.5) over Arizona
San Fran can’t lose every game for the rest of the season—can they? They did win their first two games; they’ve got it in them. Although there was a funny headline I saw somewhere earlier today that simply stated “Alex Smith Won’t Heal.” He just refuses. You can almost picture him saying, “Nope, no way, I’m not going back to that. Not until Frank Gore starts to average at least half of what he averaged per carry last year will I allow my body to run its due course.” Can’t say that I would blame him.
Denver (+2.5) over CHICAGO
The reasons I am selecting Denver in this game:
· Chicago lost to the Seattle Unimpressives last week
· Rex Grossman is still the QB, which means Lovie Smith simply cannot be trusted to make rational decisions
· The Broncos are used the playing in the cold
· I like money
Baltimore (+9.5) over SAN DIEGO
I absolutely hate San Diego’s team. It’s true, I just decided that last week as they were sabotaging yet another one of my picks. Of the 10 games they have played this season, I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten 11 of them wrong. Either be good or be bad damn it!
I also hate Phillip Rivers. He throws funny, he only passes to Antonio Gates, and he won’t step up in the pocket—instead choosing to dance around like a four-year-old who just downed his sippy cup and is moments away from urinating all over himself.
And the Chargers secondary. I have played exactly 0 competitive football games in my life, but I am POSITIVE I can tackle better than at least three quarters of that secondary. Yeah yeah Cromartie had two good games this year. In the other 8 games the Chargers secondary may as well have been wearing usher uniforms and handing out popcorn to receivers on their way to the end zone. I swear, they’re like a new state of matter: they are a solid whose main property is letting other solids pass through it. Yup, I said it: the Chargers secondary is a freak of science. I hope Albert Einstein kicks each and every one of them in their groin in the afterlife.
New England (-22.5) over PHILADELPHIA
I feel dirty choosing any team to cover a 22.5 point spread. That’s three touchdowns and then some. But Donovan McNabb may not play, Westbrook is a neverending threat to be out due to injury, and the Patriots have turned into a group of devout monks that suddenly decided winning by less than 30 is eternal sin numero uno.
You could even try and argue that Maroney and Faulk both possibly being hurt could make this egregious spread hard cover. But the Patriots have spent the past 11 weeks showing that they couldn’t give a damn what they’re faced against, they will prove each and every one of us wrong 16 times over.
That, and in his gray hoodie, Belichick looks like a sociopath, so I’m a little worried that if I bet against the Patriots I will open my front door on Monday and Belichick will be standing there with a clip board and a scowl, and then precede to pummel me as though my last name were Mangini.
Miami (+16.5) over PITTSBURGH
This is my thinking: the Steelers lost to the Jets last weekend, the Jets wear green, and the Dolphins wear teal (a close cousin of green). Therefore, Dolphins > Steelers.
Tags: Adrian Peterson, Albert Einstein, Albert Haynesworth, Alex Smith, Andre Johnson, Antonio Cromartie, Antonio Gates, Ashton Kutcher, Brett Favre, Brian Westbrook, Chad Johnson, Chester Taylor, Chris Henry, Chris Palmer, Donovan McNabb, Dr. X, Frank Gore, Jason Campbell, Jay Cutler, Joseph Addai, Kevin Durant, Kevin Faulk, Lawrence Maroney, Lovie Smith, Marion Barber, Matt Hasselbeck, Matt Schaub, Phillip Rivers, Ralph Lauren, Reggie Bush, Rex Grossman, Santana Moss, Shaun Alexander, Shawne Merriman, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Jackson, Terrell Owens, Terry Glenn, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Vince Young, Vinny Testaverde, Wolverine